


Letters Home

by venndaai



Category: Imperial Radch Series - Ann Leckie
Genre: Illustrated, Other, Pining, R2SID Exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-13 22:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10522986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venndaai/pseuds/venndaai
Summary: Messages from Shis'Urna to House Awer.For the Ro2SID fanwork exchange.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JackedofSpades](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackedofSpades/gifts).



Skaaiat always took too long composing her messages home. It ought to have come easy, after years of practice, and certainly in person glibness was easy around family, but there was something about composing a summary of the last two months that made her struggle, starting recordings and then deleting them multiple times, trying to find the right balance between sincerity, light-heartedness and irony. “Dear Maman, I do hope this finds you well-” “Honored mother, I’m sure you expect me to complain about the dreariness of this uncivilized planet, so far from the loving embraces of my family, and it would be churlish of me to disappoint you-” “Maman, I am doing well, though I do miss you. I know I’ve always disappointed you, though you’ve always been too kind to say so, and I regret to say I’m still not properly applying myself, though I have made some connections during this annexation, and perhaps that will be enough to satisfy Auntie. Also, I’ve-”

She stopped, sat silently for a long moment, and then said, “Delete that one too, Ship.”

“Yes, Lieutenant,” _Justice of Entes_ murmured in her ear.

Skaaiat continued staring into space. “I’ve met someone,” she said, quietly, and then, in a normal tone, “Amaat damn it.”

 _Justice of Entes_ didn’t comment, but summoned Seven Issa Three in with tea. Which they were running low on, and there was no counting on resupplies any time soon. Skaaiat growled in frustration. Three didn’t react. She was used to her lieutenant’s mannerisms by now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skaaiat and her soldiers were quartered in a large riverfront apartment building that had belonged to a wealthy business owner before the annexation, and which now belonged to a different business owner who had graciously invited them to live there, rent-free of course. The building was located right on the waterfront, though most of this town was; it was the only town of any size between Ors and Could Ves.

It was very different from the set-up in Ors, which was something Skaaiat had been thinking about a great deal recently.

Their duties here were fairly light, and despite the heat and bugs Skaaiat’s soldiers seemed to enjoy being on a planet, and didn’t much grumble, at least not where she could hear. Skaaiat was glad about that. She was personally very much enjoying Shis’urna.

It was nice, she thought, that her decade had been deployed only recently, after the Annexation had been declared ended. She’d been in one Annexation before, and hadn’t enjoyed it.

In this county, there was not much work to be done except reviewing tax reports. Skaaiat was lazy. She knew it, her mother knew it, her soldiers probably knew it too. Who cared? She might as well appreciate this pleasantly empty time while she could.

Did Awn know it, though?

 

 

 

 

 

“Dear mother, I received your message with the greatest gratitude and affection. I am terribly glad to hear you are all doing well. Tell Issaid I enjoyed her dissertation, the one-twentieth of it I could understand, and it’s far past time she put that brain to use and embarrassed us all with her genius. Tell Marat that affair is truly scandalous and I’m very proud of her.

I remain well. Despite the heat, and the bugs, and the lack of civilized company, yes, even so, Mother. The company isn’t entirely uncivilized, actually. The sector next to mine is administered by a _Justice of Toren_ lieutenant who is quite delightful. I think, um, I h- sorry, bit of a cough, I am positive you would just love her. Very charmingly idealistic, despite my best efforts to corrupt her with my terrible cynicism. Good work ethic, too. Absolutely nothing like me.

Maybe you’ll get to meet her one day. Who knows! Crazier things have happened. We’ll see how the coins fall.”

 

 

 

The Awer estate was very, very far from Shis'Urna. A message sent from _Justice of Entes_ would travel via communication buoys networked by provincial palaces. It might reach Skaaiat's mother sooner, if she were off planet visiting a palace, in the midst of one of her vicious political skirmishes. She probably would have told Skaaiat in her last message if she'd had plans to do so, but she might not have. There was a great deal you learned to let go unspoken, when you were an Awer. Or at least, not spoken over long distance communications. Not spoken anywhere an AI could hear.

Leaving things unspoken became a habit. A bad one, Skaaiat was beginning to think. She had no idea how to break it. No idea how to begin unwinding the tangle of what was allowed, what was expected, what was amusing, and what was- just her.

Her body could express itself perfectly, in the language of skin on skin. Bare hands and sweat-soaked hair and the need to be closer. Closer. Her body knew but Skaaiat laid there afterwards looking at the afternooon light in Awn's eyes, unable to say anything that meant anything. 

 

 

 

“Stop trying to torture me with vivid descriptions of high table at home, Mother. I’ll have you know there’s a number of extremely acceptable restaurants in this part of Shis’Urna. Perhaps not Radchaai enough for you, but still, delicious.

Oh, stop making that face. I know you are. And I know you’re not really such a snob. It’s just a joke, all right?

I know. I’m not as funny as I think I am.”

 

 

 

 

 

 Sweat and the buzz of insects and the mingled smell of swamp and flowers.

 

In Skaaiat's dreams she was on the family estate, listening to the sound of fountains and wandering through the rose gardens. She thought maybe she was looking for someone, but the dreams dissipated upon waking.

 

 

 

“Marat, I am not sure just what you are implying, but fine, I’ll send you a picture of her if it’ll stop your pathetic attempts at innuendo.  Pff. Not like you’ve ever bothered to let me know what your paramour of the month looks like. Not that I’d be interested in knowing.

Please, please, whatever overblown romantic notions are going through that little head of yours right now, do not share them with Mother or I will destroy forever any chance of you getting any clients or patrons from the military. They won’t even fuck you when I’m done so just be a dear sister and don’t.”

 

  


 

 

 

 

Skaaiat could be scandalous, she could be rude, she could be brutally honest masked with charm, and yes, she was sure sometimes she managed sincerity, even if it often seemed to slip unnoticed among the charm and rudeness, even when she'd meant to be earnest. But for the first time she had words caught in her throat, simply because she couldn't seem to come up with a good way to say them. 

 

There was time, she told herself, trying to calm herself down. She'd work it out. She'd find the words that let Awn know she wanted more than a transitory friendship of convenience, and then there wouldn't be any talk of clientage for another decade at least, depending on how their military careers went; and then- if she still had these feelings, then, and if Awn was willing to entertain them, there might be, oh, so much time, to work on getting the wording perfectly right.

 

 

 

 

 

“I miss you all. We’ll have to catch up, next time I’m home. I’ll have some funny stories to entertain the children with, I’m sure.

 _Justice of Toren_ ’s been recalled to Valskaay for some reason, which means I’ve been promoted! I’m now responsible for the city of Ors, instead of kilometers of boring farmland. Life will be more exciting here. Though I’ll miss my acquaintances on _Justice of Toren_ a little. Still, the universe moves on. It’s all the will of Amaat.

Please tell Marat to stop wasting message allowance sending me silly unnecessary letters. I can talk to her in person in a year or so.”

 

 

_When I was young you taught me never to show my hand. To be patient, to wait, wait, wait. To be calm and charming and personable. Because change will come, the House is pushing for it, but if you don’t watch your tongue you can ruin decades of careful work in a moment._

_I believed you._

_It was convenient for me to believe you._

Not something she could even put in a deleted recording, this. Something she could only compose in her head, while meditating in the evening, listening to the lakewater hitting the piers. Keeping calm. Not thinking of _Justice of Toren_ on its way to Valskaay.

_Have you ever wanted to make yourself better for someone?_

 

 

 

 

“Hello, Mother. Sorry for the silence.

I’m sure by now you’ve heard of _Justice of Toren_ ’s disappearance. You might even have known before I did. The time lapses in information travel can be cruel.

I’m sorry Marat’s fantasies were dashed.

Tell her mine were as well.

Oh, I’m sorry, that sounded like a play for pity, didn’t it? I-

I don’t really know what to say. For the first time in a while.

Harvest time has come in Ors, and in Culd Vess, where Eight Issa is policing now. The citizens under my care are all busy taking in the crops before we’re hit by the winter rains, and traveling to larger towns to sell them. There’s been some theft but not much. Nothing to occupy the time. I sit indoors speaking with the High Priest a lot. She doesn’t like me, but that’s all right.

I wonder how long I’ll remain here.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
